Child-focussed parenting is when the parent puts the child’s needs before their own. We often hear a parent say, “I would never use my child as a pawn against the other parent”. But they do.
This example is about Sam and Chris and their 16 year old son, John. Court orders from 2014 provided for John to live with Chris and spend time with Sam.
In early 2023, John told Chris that he was thinking about self-harming after he came home from Sam’s. Chris noticed that John’s mental health had deteriorated, and she took him to their doctor and John’s psychologist.
John told both practitioners the cause of his distress was Sam’s behaviour. Sam would talk about upcoming court cases and bad mouth Chris. Sam’s feelings about Chris included him saying to the Child Impact Report writer in July 2024 that he would, “Cut Chris up and place her body parts in drums”.
John told the doctor, the psychologist, and Chris that he did not want to go to Sam’s. They all supported John. Importantly, Chris sent Sam the reports from John’s doctor and psychologist.
However, Sam filed in court an affidavit which said, in part:
“Chris has given no reason for the cessation of all communication with John, nor has any evidence been provided by medical specialists that shows a relationship with Sam is detrimental to John’s health and welfare.”
Sam even attached the reports from John’s doctor and psychologist!
I was flabbergasted by this behaviour: Why did Sam say that Chris gave no reason for John not coming to his home? Maybe he was simply lying and hoping to fool the court, which, trust me, is NEVER a good move. This ain’t their first rodeo!
I believe that Sam is caught up in his pattern of thinking that he is the victim of Chris, and he’s done nothing wrong. He can’t or won’t take responsibility for his behaviour that is hurting his child. Sam is not putting John’s needs first. Sam is putting Sam’s needs first. Sam is using John as a pawn in the nasty ‘family court game’ where Sam drags Chris through the expensive, stressful and time-consuming process, trying to convince others that Sam is the victim. John is the victim in this story. The children are always the victims when parents fail to be child-focussed.
