Parents don’t have rights. Children have rights. Parents have responsibilities.
That’s correct, as parents, we don’t have a right to see our children or a right to have them live with us. We have a responsibility to care for our children. Children have rights, including the right a meaningful relationship with both parents WHEN IT IS SAFE TO DO SO.
This two-part sentence is very important. Children benefit from having a relationship with both parents. Our children are half of us and half of the other parent. If we criticise the other parent, we are criticising the child. Think about that.
Most parent orders have a clause about ‘non-denigration’ or not bad-mouthing the other parent. This is to protect the child.
The relationship between a parent and child must be safe. “Safe” means that the child feels safe and IS actually safe. Safe includes having their own bed, their own clothes, nourishing food, education, privacy, protection from exploitation and abuse, and support for their emotional, psychological and developmental needs. Support includes the parent listening and hearing what the child needs to feel safe and be safe. If a parent is under the influence of drugs or alcohol or is ‘coming down’ from being intoxicated, they are not able to support a child’s needs, especially if they’re ‘sleeping it off’ on the couch during day.
If a parent has mental health problems or personality disorders like anti-social personality disorder, then they are less likely to be able to really hear what their child needs and to give the child what they need. The child may need to tell the parent they are scared of the dark, or they’re being bullied at school, or they have a tummy ache. Kids need to be heard and acknowledged, then parents need to do what is necessary to guide the child through their problem. This is how children develop into normal adults. It’s our job as parents to do this work of guiding our children.
We’ve had our chance at childhood. However good, bad or indifferent our parents were, we’re now adults with children. We have the responsibility to seek help for our problems so we can be good enough parents. That’s our children’s right.
