My ex and I have court orders and our son is supposed to go to his place on the weekend, but my son said, “Dad is too rough. He called me an idiot and whacked me on the back of my head because I spilt the milk”. My son doesn’t want to go to see his father because he says this sort of thing happens nearly every weekend with his father. Should I send him?
You have to balance your legal duty to comply with court orders versus your duty to protect your child from domestic violence. The need for the child to be safe is most important.
If the father was to file a Contravention Application because you didn’t comply with the orders to send the child to spend time with him, you could respond and say that you believed it was unsafe, but you need to provide details and evidence. You should consult your lawyer.
Rather than simply withhold the child and block the father’s phone calls, it may be worth telling the father what the son said to you. Be prepared – perpetrators of domestic violence minimize the effect their behaviour has on others, and he might accuse your son of being “too sensitive” or overstating what happened – “I just tapped him, he’s such a sissy”.
Men who use violence may not stop to think how their actions are experienced by others. Listen to your gut – if you believe your son is scared of his father’s violence, don’t force him to be where he isn’t safe.
If there is a risk the father’s violence might escalate because you’ve set a boundary, put your safety action plan into effect: tell your solicitor, DV counsellor, and police what’s happening. Don’t back down from protecting your child because your ex has a tantrum.
Collect your evidence. Write down all the details about what your son said. Take photos of any injuries. If there are injuries, see your doctor or go to your hospital’s Emergency Department.
Often the perpetrator will accuse the mother of ‘making it up’ to withhold the child. If your son is able to, ask him to tell his father over the phone that he is scared and doesn’t want to come over because of his father’s behaviour.
Once he has done the Men’s Behaviour Change Program or completed a parenting course, it might be time to re-start time together between them if your son agrees. Start with an hour or so after school, maybe, then build back time if the father can show that can choose safe ways to be a father.
If you’re a parent who chooses violence: is there a better way to respond?
Think: What was it like for your little boy to experience your violence?
