The term gaslighting comes from a theatre play. In “Gaslight,” the husband manipulates his wife by dimming the gaslights in the apartment and, when she asks about this, he tells her she’s wrong, denying her perception of the changes in the gas light. She thinks she’s the crazy one.
Abusers who feel shame about their behaviour may simply tell you you’re wrong when you confront them with your reality about their behaviour. Because you trust them, you want to believe them, but your reality is not the same as theirs.
Shame is a strong driver of behaviour. The person gaslighting you may appear angry or aggressive, but, below the surface, they may be angry with themselves because their behaviour is at odds with their values.
For example, a wife might confront a husband with evidence that he has been contacting another woman. He may feel shame if he is unfaithful, if that is against his values, but he reacts by telling his wife that the other woman is ‘just a friend’ and that the wife is being jealous and inappropriately possessive or crazy. He might tell his wife she should trust him. So the wife is confused, because she saw what she saw and felt confident that her husband has been unfaithful, yet he said what she saw was something else. He denied her reality and manipulated her into thinking she’s person whose reality is wrong, that there’s something wrong with her.
If you have experienced this feeling of confusion, then reality test your thinking with a third party you trust. This person’s perception won’t be clouded by their relationship with your spouse or partner, and they can reflect back to you whether your reality is shared by most people and if you’re being gaslit.
You cannot change the person who is gaslighting you. If they have this pattern of behaviour, that’s theirs to own. Your role is to protect your peace and keep your children’s psychological safety.
As for family law, this is the time to get your support team around you. You can possibly no longer trust your spouse to be honest with you because they are hiding something from you. Consult your friends, family, a family lawyer, a divorce coach, a mediator, a counsellor. If your mental health is suffering and you are distressed, see your doctor to get a Mental Health Treatment Plan to receive treatment under the Better Access Initiative for subsidised treatment. Telehealth is available for regional residents.
If your children are affected by this relationship conflict, get help so you can support your children, or contact headspace. There is help out there. Contact Tess for confidential and free referrals.
