I read this social media post from a man: “Sexism is alive and well … but only legal if you exclude men and boys. What a hypocritical sexist @#$%hole we really live in.” I responded with: “I am happy to say that I have discovered and contacted a man who runs a men’s wellbeing program and I have asked if he is willing to collaborate with me to develop a program/retreat/resource for separated men. As a woman, it would be inauthentic of me to develop and run a men’s program. Your feedback is welcome.”
Then he responded with: “keep digging. You are just making it worse with every comment … change the words women and men … repeat your statements … oh yeah … there it is”. I didn’t respond any further because I don’t want to engage in this. My attempt at a reasonable discussion was rejected and I don’t think anything was going to be achieved by continuing this slanging match.
I was frustrated at his words though, because I think it is quite appropriate for some services to for woman by women and not for men. As a woman, I’m not the expert on specific men centred services. It would be a woman telling men how to be men! I could guess what they want, sure, but it is very possible I would miss the mark. My goal is to be respectful of the needs of men. I wish I had a more respectful response, but I didn’t, and I will accept that and move on.
It made me reflect on how, as a woman, I can better support men experiencing separation and / or conflict with the other parent or ex-partner. I can’t change being a woman (nor would I want to), but I can change the way I approach my work. One of the most important things a mediator brings to mediation is impartiality, and I am constantly checking myself to make sure I’m not biased in my dealings. Sometimes, it is clear that one of the parties is not being reasonable or they’re not working in the spirit of the law, and I correct them with words like, “that’s not how the Family Law Act works” if they are clearly wrong. That’s not bias, that’s reality testing in order to help the mediation move towards agreement.
It’s important to use neutral language when discussing family law and mediation. Notice I said, “the parties”, when I might have said, “it is clear that the man is not being reasonable”. Anyone can be unreasonable or nasty or wrong. We don’t need to assume that a negative trait belongs to one sex or another.
